Ever since Artemis II launched a little over two weeks ago, I’ve felt an itch in my bones. The itch for Kerbal Space Program. I finally gave in tonight, while watching the Seattle Mariners get swept by their legally mandated rivals, the San Diego Padres. Tonight’s 5-2 loss comes on the heel’s of last night’s 9th inning disaster and puts a sour taste in the team’s mouth as they head back north. But whereas last night the Mariners were gallant right up to the bitter end, tonight’s game they were just goofus. It almost looked like the game of baseball was alien to them.
For those not in the know, in the video game Kerbal Space Program, the player takes on the task of guiding little green aliens to outer space using real rocket science and orbital mechanics. It is not an easy game, nor a simple one, but it is, and this is important, incredibly goofy. The rockets wobble and explode, the buildings burn, the satellites crash, and through it all the little green guys just keep smiling. And, in a strange way, I see either the Seattle Mariners in them, or Kerbals in the Mariners. Watch this old announcement trailer and see if you catch my meaning.
When Brendan Donovan led off the game with a walk, it was a nominal liftoff. And then he detached his boosters before they were out of fuel, and got himself picked off at first for the second out of the inning. Whoops. Later on, Luke Raley hit a nice line drive in the second inning, but activated the parachutes too early. So instead of banging a double off the wall, he allowed Fernando Tatís Jr. to make a shoestring catch to end the inning.
In KSP, the player’s main adversaries are two forces of nature: atmospheric drag and gravity. But for the Mariners, the padres have been playing so well and are on such a streak that they may as well be considered forces of nature, as inexorable as the force that guides the arc of a home run ball. Or in the case of the Padres, a bunch of annoying seeing-eye ground balls that get through for singles and score a run. But hey look! One of them hit a hot shot to Naylor at first! Now he can turn a double play!
Uh-oh, Josh dropped it. There he learned a valuable KSP lesson: you can’t go too fast too low. Just Josh rushing to transfer the ball while still in a crouch caused him to drop the ball, your rocket going too fast too low in the atmosphere is just going to waste fuel and produce unnecessary heating. In rocket science, just as in baseball, it’s often better to slow down, take your time, and take some of the (atmospheric) pressure off yourself. But because Josh wasn’t able to turn that double play and end the inning, one run scored directly, and then two more Padres came across the plate to make it a 4-0 ballgame.
Offensively, the Mariners looked a little lost at the plate, as if Walker Buehler’s sweeper was as incomprehensible to them as the Tsiolkovsky rocket equation. I mean, what part of Δu = Veqln (mf/me) − g0 ⋅ tb is hard to understand? The Mariners made two big threats. The threat in the 4th failed to even go suborbital as a pair of leadoff singles by Donovan and Raleigh were left stranded.
The threat in the 6th succeeded in breaking through the atmosphere, however. This time, after a pair of leadoff singles by Young and Donovan, Cal hit a line drive that made splashdown in right field and scored Cole Young easily. Now finally mortal, the Padres were forced to replace Buehler.
Julio followed up Cal’s Apollo mission with an Artemis mission, also hitting a line drive into right that scored a runner from third. Now, with runners on first and second with nobody out, then the bases loaded with one out, the Mariners were poised to finally enter orbit a tie or take the lead from the Padres. But then they ran out of fuel. Connor Joe pinch hit for Luke Raley and struck out on a high fastball, and J.P. hit a routine groundball to end the inning. There would be no orbit and, for the Mariners, no more spaceflights. They’d never get so close to the Padres again.
In fact, the Padres managed to rub some salt in the wound in the 7th when, with runners on second and third, Cole Young lost a pop up in the San Diego sky and dropped it, giving the Friars another run.
Mercifully, that inning, and the remaining two, were soon ended, completing the San Diego sweep putting the Seattle Space Program on hold. Perhaps its time to go back to the drawing board in the Vehicle Assembly Building and start over with a new design. Put Julio at first base. Make Cal pitch. Have George Kirby play shortstop. That’s the kind of thing I do in KSP when my rocket just flat out isn’t working. And you know what? It usually works.
The Mariners return home tomorrow for a 3-game set against the Texas Rangers. After also being swept by Texas a couple weeks ago, some wins against a divisional rival are exactly what this team needs right now. The most demoralized fans among you would say that beating the Rangers this weekend is a dream. But what can I say? I like to shoot for the moon.
