On Saturday in Los Angeles, Jayson Tatum did what he has done for weeks now: he said something that gave us pretty much nothing in the way of new information.
He hasn’t practiced with the team since his Maine session a week ago. The photos from San Francisco were — Tatum’s words — an “optional workout.” Joe Mazzulla said he’s continuing to hit his “check marks.” Brad Stevens repeated in his press conference that there is no timetable.
Simply put, there is no return date.
Naturally, the speculation has intensified.
So, I did what any rational Celtics fan would do. I pulled out my calculator. I stopped hearing and started listening. I looked in the places everyone else was looking, but I looked harder and better than everyone else.
After carefully studying the latest batch of quotes, I’ve narrowed Tatum’s return down to three possibilities. Let’s go through them.
Theory No. 1: March 6 vs. Mavericks
Joe Mazzulla: “It’s just trusting the group that we have around him. And taking it step-by-step.”
Joe could’ve said “day by day.” He didn’t. He chose “steps.” Steps imply a staircase. A finite number. You don’t reference steps unless you know how many there are.
He said this on February 21.
Count forward.
March 6 sits 13 days later.
13 is the average number of days between major lunar phase shifts. That’s Astronomy 101. I didn’t invent the moon.
Stay with me. Boston sits at roughly 71 degrees west longitude. Dallas is at 96. 96 minus 71 equals 25. 2 plus 5 equals 7. Take the 13-day lunar window and subtract 7.
Six.
March 6.
Now layer in the matchup. It’s at home, which Tatum has already said he’d like to return in front of a home crowd. The opponent is Dallas. Luka used to be there and now he’s not. What’s that all about? Related? I’m not ruling it out.
On March 6, we’ll (hopefully) be seeing Cooper Flagg, the next face-of-the-league candidate. Future superstar. Duke alum. Present convergence. All of this makes March 6 feel right.
That said, Jupiter starts drifting toward retrograde around then, and planetary wobble can’t be ignored. So, while March 6 has intergalactic support, I can only label it as a strong possibility at this stage.
And it was actually while adjusting for Jupiter’s drift through my telescope that a different possibility came into focus. The stars were whispering, “San Antonio.”
Theory No. 2: March 10 at Spurs
Jayson Tatum: “Work out, see how you recover the next day and then you just make the plan from there.”
“The plan.” You don’t casually reference “The Plan” unless there is a plan. Likely a document somewhere. Printed. Stapled. Possibly laminated.
Now this is where I began pacing. Because once you introduce a plan, you introduce intent. And once you introduce intent, you introduce architecture. So, I zoomed out.
March 10. San Antonio. Duh.
If you’re at the table of long-term power structures in the NBA, you pay attention to San Antonio. Duncan. Parker. Ginobli. Leonard. Popovich. Five banners materializing like clockwork over fifteen years.
Spurs titles: ’99, ’03, ’05, ’07, ’14.
Add the last digits. 9 + 3 + 5 + 7 + 4 = 28. 2 + 8 = 10.
March 10.
Now this is where it gets interesting.
Wembanyama. Hector Banana-Bread. Seven-foot-four. Add 7+4, you get 11. Tatum wears 0. Subtract 1 for the silent digit, naturally. 10.
March 10.
Now, small complication. San Antonio sits at 29 degrees north latitude. Two plus nine gives you 11. Add the seven letters in “Go Spurs” and you land on 18. That’s just rudimentary math, folks.
And once 18 enters any predictive model, you have to take it seriously. Which is how, while re-running the numbers, March 18 began dancing on my calendar (I should mention I haven’t slept in 72 hours and am running out of yarn and hallucinations seem to be setting in.)
Theory No. 3: March 18 vs. Warriors
How could I be so foolish.
Of course, Mazzulla was throwing smoke screens. He knew I would run longitudinal numbers. He knew I would check latitude. He knew that I knew that he knew all along.
I had to wipe the board clean.
Jayson Tatum: “I’m just getting acclimated more and doing little things with some of the guys out there.”
“Acclimated.”
That’s not weight-room talk. That’s atmospheric. Someone adjusting to conditions before re-entry. You acclimate before you return from orbit.
Now, follow me carefully. Warriors. March 18. At home. The Celtics lost the 2022 Finals to Golden State in 6 games. They won the 2024 Finals in 5 games. 6 + 5 = 11. Steph has 4 rings. 11 times 4 is 44. Divide by the number of letters in “Tatum”, which is 5. 8.8.
Round up. Nine. Add the eight letters in “Warriors.” Seventeen. Add one for home court. Eighteen.
March 18.
Joe let me chase March 6. He let me flirt with March 10. The real answer was sitting there the whole time. Unless he’s already anticipated this too. Dammit, Joe, you marvelous genius.
Back to Earth
The truth is, none of us know when Jayson Tatum will play basketball for the Boston Celtics again. Not me, not the internet, and not my dog despite how many times I beg her for the answer (dogs know everything). The only people who know the timeline are inside TD Garden, and they’ve been consistent on not giving anything away on that front from the start.
Tatum will return when he’s ready. Whenever it happens, it’ll be because he decided it was the right time. And that’s probably the only calculation that actually matters in the long run.
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