This isn’t a cop-out blog. I truly feel this way.
I could sit here and give you fancy-dancy analysis, couldn’t I? I have done that before and I will do so again. I don’t think a 2-7 Red Sox start calls for that type of article, though.
I’ve also done this crashout before. Dan Secatore, my fearless leader, has OK’d this before. I feel like I can only pull this move out every few years. Maybe to the uninitiated this type of prose is seen as juvenile, but I feel like I might be speaking for the masses here.
The only other time I’ve done so: August 2023. Not a good year for the Red Sox, perhaps, but I dunno what 2023 me was complaining about. Seems like we were on a relatively good run after the All-Star break up until one bad week. I can’t say for sure what made me snap on that day.
Maybe I was stressed leading up to my wedding day? That’s the only thing I can imagine, in hindsight, that was hindering my judgement.
Well, as a firmly married man right now, my mind is clear. I can feel comfortable with playing this card. I don’t get the chance to play it often—and the fact that I’m playing it in early April is awful for all of us—but it feels right to do so.
I’m playing the AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA card.
It’s Monday Morning Brushback time, y’all.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaa.
CAN OUR NINE FIGURE PITCHER GET THROUGH FIVE INNINGS IN AN OK STATE? IS THAT ASKING TOO MUCH????? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAFUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABASEBAALLFUCKINGSUCKSAAAAAAAAAAAAAA GOD FUCKING DAMNIT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAFUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa
I EVEN TRIED GETTING MY DOG TO TYPE ON THE KEYBOARD JUST NOW BUT HE WONT EVEN GIVE THIS TEAM THE TIME OF DAY. HE IS RIGHT TO DO SO. FUCK. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa.
IF A DOG DOESN’T EVEN WANNA AIR HIS FRUSTRATIONS THEN IS THIS TEAM EVEN WORTH THE TIME OF DAY JESUS CHRIST.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
REALLY ANNOYING FUCKING TEAM. FUCK. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAasdf(my beloved wife stole some blanket from me, so that typo stays in, anyways) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa
STUPID MISTAKES ON THE DIAMOND. HOW MANY OF THEM DO WE HAVE TO SIT THROUGH. AT WHAT POINT DO WE START ASKING TOUGH QUESTIONS ABOUT WHO IS DRIVING THE SHIP. WE ARE CONSISTENTLY BRAIN DEAD WHEN IT COMES TO FUNDAMENTALS COMING OUT OF SPRING TRAINING. FUCK. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I AM NOT ONE TO CALL EVERYTHING A WRAP IN EARLY APRIL BUT JESUS CHRIST THIS TEAM IS GIVING ME ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY NOTHING TO MAKE ME THINK OTHER WISE. THE STARTING PITCHING ISN’T STEPPING UP. THE BULLPEN IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. THE OFFENSE LOOKS, RELATIVELY SPEAKING, AIMLESS.
THE SEASON STARTED ALREADY, GUYS. I CAN TRY TO BE OPTIMISTIC ABOUT OUR OFFENSIVE OUTPUT (I still think we can get on base a lot) AND OUR PITCHING (please just don’t hang as many cookies with two strikes!!!! I feel like half of the damage this season has come with two strikes!!!!) AND YOU WILL BE OK. GROW THE FUCK UP, THOUGH!!!!! GROW UP!!!!!! DON’T LEAVE ALL OF YOUR SCORING TO ONE FUCKING INNING. JESUS!!!!!!!!!!! GROW UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! BE BASEBALL PLAYERS!!!!!!!!!!!! THE SEASON STARTED!!!!!! YOU ARE A TEAM A LOT OF PEOPLE PUT STOCK IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GROW UP!!!!!!!!!!!!! GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Song of the Week: “Somebody Kill Me Please” by Adam Sandler
The Cure is great, in his defense.
One more for the road, because I might as well: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
Talk to you next week. Go Sox.